My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
