I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
