I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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