i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
