i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
