Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
