My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
