So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
