My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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