Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
