I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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