I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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