Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i've created a new STD.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
