So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
