My friends, they love my intelligence
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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