I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
