I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
