It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Sober January is a disaster.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
