I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
