Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
