The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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