there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
