i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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