i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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