Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
