And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
