I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
