when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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