i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
