I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
