My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
