Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
