got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
