Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I wish i was in the wii world.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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