Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Two words: blizzard sex
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
