is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
