girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
