I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
