He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
