Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
