don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
