I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
