Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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