walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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