i need an iv and a liver transplant
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
