I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
