I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
barbara walters just said penis...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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