his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
