Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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