i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
