I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
