this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
