I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
